Ad Blitz Cracks Earth

Gap, MT
Dr. P.T. Travis, URNS University Physics professor, announced today that the world actually was flat and all in one piece in historic times. We made the mistake of believing that it was not flat because we couldn't find the edges. However, Dr. Travis' cutting edge research has shown that each portion of the edge is linked (via an intersticial discontunity) with an opposite portion, creating an illusion of continuity.
What happens when persons or other moving objects reach an edge is that they are disintegrated and immediately reintegrated on the opposite side of the discontinuity. This experience is discombobulating to an living organism, but in former times it was rarely experienced. The line of the discontinuity primarily ran through the deep oceans, and it was only experienced by sailors, who are a little weird anyway and were believed by no one. Whales and other higher beings of the maritime persuasion were unable to convey the problem to us in terms we could understand.
Due to the bombardments on the human psyche by advertising, which have became increasingly severe during the 20th century and which show signs of increasing further in the 21st, the earth itself has developed cracks, and as these cracks have widened beyond the submicroscopic level, even more discontinuities have formed. It is thought that this occurs because of the morphic resonance between humans and the Earth, which is evidentally much stronger than was previously recognized.
The effects of this resonance on the Earth are very profound. Dr. Travis says, "Once the Earth was one huge, single, flat surface. Because people couldn't find the edges, they began to believe that it was round. As this belief spread to more and more people, the Earth began to bend into a cylindrical shape, causing the first fractures to form. The earth is quite elastic, so the fractures were at first mere hairline cracks in the surface. As the process went on the earth continually tried to heal the fractures, yet more continually formed."
Dr. Travis adds, "By the time the earth had transformed itself into a cylinder, there were a great many fractures, often not more than a few miles apart. Then the ends of the cylinder collapsed inward, forming the oblate spheroid we have today, and this induced even more fractures - these in a transverse direction to the others. This process has accelerated over the last few decades and now few fragments of the once enormous single-piece flat earth are more than a fraction of a mile wide. This means that humans are crossing these gaps much more often, often being disintegrated and reintegrated several times a day."
Dr. Travis is uncertain about why advertising has such a radical effect on the human psyche and therefore upon the Earth. He suggests that cross-disciplinary studies between physicists, psychologists, geologists, and geomancers may be needed. He would like to test the possibility that advertising is causing emotional conflicts (psychic fractures) in humans, and by resonance, fractures are then formed in the Earth. The effect is like an ever-decreasing spiral, each type of fracture making the other type worse.
Unfortunately, Dr. Travis has also discovered that the reintegration process is not perfect. There are microscopic living entities in the gaps, and these entities have an appetite for human brain cells, which are an endangered species anyway. The intersticial gap creatures are, so far, very small and only eat a few cells per crossing but the long-term effects on long-distance and frequent travelers are alarming.
We may also need, he says, to develop a special discipline to study the intersticial gap creatures. Meanwhile, Dr. Travis urgently recommends that we immediately ban all commercial advertising and strictly restrict personal advertising, even photocopied signs tacked up on telephone poles and fences. He acknowledges that it is unlikely that we will have the political will to do so in the immediate future, especially since the earth fragments are shrinking rapidly. He anticipates that it will be a very short time before they are no more than inches across and we are all in a constant state of both disintegration and reintegration.
Dr. Travis has one other suggestion to preserve what remains of our brain power. He has discovered that the gap creatures are repelled by lettuce, and recommends that we all wear lettuce helmets at all times, even while sleeping. He suggests that, until government studies are complete and official health warning issued, that people simply pass this warning on to others. The brain cells you save may be your own—or those of your closest friends.

Copyright © 2001 by Jessica Macbeth. All rights reserved.

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